Ever since I decided to follow my intuition, each day brings a new revelation.  Here’s the run down:

Friday night – Saturday morning: I’m not going to get a job, instead rent a studio and make music.

Saturday: I need to tell my wife about my decision. (I did, and I secured the studio rental that night.)

Sunday: First, I’m going to make children’s music. (I planned on making the second album for my modern rock project first)

Monday: And I need to buy a used digital SLR camera.  (What?  WHAAAT?)

I’ve been through changes before, and often they occur fast and intensely, but each time it’s a deeply unsettling experience.  Somewhere inside me, way down in the stomach area, I feel my core shaking, trembling with fear.  With each instruction from the voice in my head, I’m being steered into an uncharted course, one contradictory from my previous plan.  And if you asked me why — I can’t explain it to you.

I never realized the foundation of logic and reason meant so much to me.  I always knew that I was an intuitive person but never knew that my adherence to reason was the cause of my wrestling with myself.

But through it all, somewhere even deeper than my fear, I also have this sense that this is exactly how I knew it would go, and that I am doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing.  As long as I don’t panic, as long as I don’t give in to my voice of fear — I can steer ourselves through this transition, and everything is going to turn out OK. I’ve done it before.

When my wife was pregnant with our second child, her midwife realized that her blood pressure was too high about four weeks before the due date.  Not life-threateningly high, but high enough to endanger the plan to give birth at home — something my wife felt very strongly about.   We had the fear that somehow going to the hospital to give birth would be a tremendous disappointment, ruining the special event we looked forward to.

We were shaking with fear of what might happen then, but again, deep down I felt that it was going to turn out OK, and that the situation was not as bad as our fear told us so.  So I stayed calm and optimistic, and did my best not to act out of my fear.  My wife stayed in bed for four weeks, I juggled work and all the household chores.  And in the end — everything went just fine, and we had a smooth and beautiful home birth.  We were so proud and relieved.

So, my current situation is new yet familiar.  I know that I am having to face my fear of losing money through this.  There will be a handful of things I have to buy in order to start making music — and most of them un-glamorous tools and supplies, not the fancy equipment and toys I daydreamed about purchasing once I’m in music business.  I’d rather not spend money, I hate shopping.  I fear losing money.  And that’s precisely why I’m going on this seemingly impossible mission.  Start making music, and somehow keep us afloat.

I’m particularly scratching my head about the camera.  It’s like being given a tool — like a pair of pliers — and being told that it’s going to be useful soon, except I don’t know what I’m going to use it for, what’s going to be broken.  But the other sense I have is that I need to be quick and decisive.  If I postpone my actions too long, fear would build up and cloud up my vision.

I’m going on an intuitive entrepreneurship.  Let’s see where I’m going to lead me.