at my current job.

I worked as a web developer at a very well-respected non-profit organization for the past year. It’s been a terrific job and I learned a lot. I had a nice cushy office and work was fun and rewarding.

But in other ways, it was the last straw. It was particularly fun the first 3 months or so when I was learning the job and its new tools, but after a while I felt disillusioned. If a job this good can’t satisfy me, I thought, I am never going to be happy being an employee anywhere.  I am so much more than this job, and on some occasions I tried to make that known to my company, yet they had no way of taking advantage of everything I had to offer.  So I stayed in my box and focused on fulfilling the expected role, and no more.

In some ways, I can’t believe I’m leaving it all behind (well, even if I wanted to hang on to it, I can’t — the choice to leave wasn’t really mine, as they didn’t find money to extend my initial 1-year contract). I’m leaving the predictable comfort of a square office, diving head first into the wide open arms of uncertainty. It’s just a hunch but I just feel something very final about this, that this is going to be an end of an era in my life.

I am 35 years old, and I have done much growing. Though I can’t explain why or how, I feel that “my time” has come. It’s not that I’m finished growing and changing, but this is going to be the time where the full extent of my potential is going to start materializing.  Self actualization is in progress — and it’s about time.

Last night I was telling my homeopath Kate Birch about this and she mentioned the quote below. Nelson Mandela really touches on the heart of the matter here. I am going to stop shrinking myself to make me fittable to my surroundings. I am going to stretch my wings out fully, and remove the restraint.

I’m still so cautious and hesitant about unleashing myself, but somewhere deep, deep inside, I feel a current of joy. I never knew that I possessed such beautiful wings, nor did I have any idea how big and mighty they are.  I’m shivering with excitement to finally set them free and find out what they can really  do.

I still don’t know how to fly, but I will learn. Quickly.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
–Nelson Mandela