“The ‘how’ comes after you get moving, rarely before. Not knowing how is one of the lamest excuses ever invented. Figure it out as you go.”– Steve Pavlina

This morning, I stepped into my “new” office, checked into Twitter and that was the first thing that popped into my eyes.

It’s  the latest in a number of time “signs” I’ve been seeing since deciding, merely a week ago, that I was going to pursue my own business instead of finding a new job.

And today, February 2nd, is the first day in my new office.

Last week was a very emotional one.  I constantly questioned myself, wondering if I am making a grave mistake.  But as I started telling the truth to everyone about my immediate future — that I was going to go and make music — I immediately noticed how everyone seemed excited for me.  When I would say that I was looking for a new job, people would wish me luck, and there’s a sense of sympathy or even pity.  But when I say that I’m going to make music, people visibly smiled and told me how fun that sounded.

It is fun.  I am beside myself excited, though still incredulous that I am actually allowed to do this without securing income or been given permission first.  Well, my wife did give me permission — I wouldn’t have done it without her support — but even that seems still hard to believe.  Not that I don’t trust my wife, but somehow I feel like there’s been a mistake or misunderstanding — people are not supposed to give permission to pursue something like this.

And therein lies the depth of my denial, my resistance to my own success.  I have gotten so used to suppressing and restraining my truth that somehow my own desire became illegal to me, something that cannot be allowed.   This reminds me of when I was little, and my parents put me into swimming lessons.  I used to catch cold often and was not a very physical kid, loving TV and books much more than playing outside.  So they thought exercise would do me good.  I hated going to swimming lessons.  I kicked and screamed and resisted every time.  Except, once in the water, I would actually enjoy it quite a bit.  To this day, swimming is one of my favorite physical activities, and my comptence with the act one of the things I really like about myself.  I am grateful that my parents dragged me to it every week, despite my own resistance.

That’s how I feel about my current situation.  God is pulling my hand, whispering reassuringly in my ears, telling me it’s going to be OK…. though I am not having any of it.  I’m kicking and screaming “No, I don’t believe you!  This can’t work!  This is too scary!”

Yet, here I am, in the 10×15 rehearsal space I rented for mere $250 a month, a room dedicated entirely to my passion and vision.

It’s possible that I am wrong.  It’s possible that I will fail.  It’s possible that in 2 months I’m going to get another job.  But if you ask me today, I can tell you that in my heart, I believe none of those things will happen.  I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future.  But I also know that my future is in my hands.

In my vision, I sense that within 2 months, I’ll figure out a direction.  I’ll know what I need to do to make myself a viable business, one that combines everything I love to offer unique and great value to the world.  I don’t think there will be a lot of struggle or hardship, except the one that involves battling my fears.  I don’t think the reality will be as fearful or hurtful as I fear they will be.  And I also sense that in some unforeseeable ways, my family’s needs will be met, and that I will buy myself the time it takes to establish my own business.

How will this all unfold?  I don’t have the faintest clue.

Here at AriKoinuma.com, I will chronicle my journey’s most introspective, personal and spiritual aspects.  On NetPreneur’s Journal, I will jot down my learnings as a budding online entrepreneur.  On Our Best Version, I will periodically post updates on personal growth I go through as the result of this endeavor.  And if you’re curious/interested in my offerings, keep an eye on SelfSufficientMusician.com and SmartRockRecords.com.

2 months.  Will you hold my hand, and take this walk with me?  And if I start faltering, please help me keep going.  I can use all the company I can get.