Today I found the drum samples I was missing and listened again to this prog rock opus I had started almost a year ago, this time with drums. It still sounds terrible.

Sigh.

I never enjoy listening to seedlings of songs, because it never sounds good.  It’s missing too many parts, and parts that are there are not quite right yet.

And that’s one of the reasons why I used to not enjoy playing my guitar.  The gap was simply too great, between what I heard in my head and what I was playing.  It was discouraging.

Between the initial spark of ideas being received and the final rush and the proud achievement of seeing the finished piece, there lies a wide and scary void.  After the first rush wears out, but until you start seeing an inkling of the fruition of your vision, you have to proceed with nothing but your faith as your fuel.  You thought it was going to be good. Even if it isn’t, yet.

I have to release 4 songs this year, and it’s half way through January.  I still have time, but all I’m doing is taking baby steps rebuilding my creative environment on my computer.  I have a long, long way to go, and it can feel overwhelming.

So I stopped, told myself that I made enough progress for today, and plugged in my guitar and just played. For 10 minutes or so, I was having fun, being in a creative place without burdened by the thought of how good it can be.

I think spontaneity and its unexpected joy is massively important for artists.  But, so is an ability to hold a vision and then go about actually creating it.  Because if you do nothing but the former, you risk being sporadic, incohesive, and plain random — you don’t get to be an architect of something bigger. But if you do nothing but the ladder, the weight of your vision can crush the joy out of the creative process.

As always, the key lies in the balancing act.

I am going to release 4 songs this year.  First of which will be April 15.  You wait.  I’ll deliver.

But I’ll have fun, too.