For a long time, I wondered why I feel the way I do.
I have a good life, a good family. My life has been free of any major tragedies or obstacles.
But so many times I feel assaulted, bombarded and overwhelmed. In my mind it’s hard to find peace. Rather, it gets quickly filled with violence, voices screaming and pancking, driven by the urge to either hide or rash out.
Recently, I started reading a book called The Highly Sensitive Person. I had to laugh, because if I met this author, to her I would be a very typical HSM, a Highly Sensitive Male.
It’s like this: we all have antennas. But our antennas have vastly different ranges in terms of sensitivity. Let’s say there’s a signal with the strength of 10. Perhaps a “normal,” meaning, average, person receives 5. Some people receive 1 — it barely registers on their radar. Other ones get all 10, or even 11 — it feels more powerful than it is.
My world feels so turbulent, because I receive more, in the emotional arena. I pick up a lot of signals, many hidden meanings, carefully concealed truths. And I feel them all, so vividly.
It’s not so much the pain
It’s more the actual knife
Pretending, the picture is perfect
I cut myself to sleep
I close my eyes for a second
And meet a fragile soul
I scream to hide that I’m lonely
The echo calls my name
If I ever… If I never…
Make me want to stand up for whatever
Make me see… Make me be…
Make me understand you’re there for me
Take this life
I’m right here
Stay a while and breathe me in
I have much to offer, and being a man, I carry this expectation that I must be tough and strong.
But like this song, it can feel very overpowering. Other voices so much louder, stabbing and distracting so that I can’t stand tall. Each day requires much purging.
But I’m learning, I keep trying — the question lies not in my strength, but in my understanding. Who I Am and What the World Is.
We will make our peace.
Yes, we will.