I’m not that great at thinking on my foot.
When unexpected things happen, when I’m caught off guard, I have a hard time staying focused — I get too busy feeling overwhelmed and frantic.
This is strange to me, though. Life is made up of a series of unexpected things. The part I have control over is just what I do. After being alive for several decades, I should get better at dealing with life’s unexpectedness.
I do wonder, if this inability to be flexible in the ever-changing sea comes from the pressure that I feel, the idea that I better Live My Life Well. Or better put, Be Efficient.
We lay out plans to be Efficient. Not waste time or money. Multitask to get more done. Go hit several destinations in one trip so you can get them all done. Squeeze the most out of every hour, every penny. Because life is limited, money is limited, if we don’t do it right we’ll waste them.
If I could have my wasted days back
Would I use them to get back on track?
Stop to warm at karmas burning
Or look ahead, but keep on turning?
I’ve worn out always being afraid
An endless stream of fear that I’ve made
Treading water full of worry
This frantic tick tick talk of hurry
Do I have the strength
To know how I’ll go?
Can I find it inside
To deal with what I shouldn’t know
This song is the sound of the panic inside my head, the fear that floods out when I encounter the unexpected. What should I do? Which way should I go? What is the Right Way to pursue? What If I Get It Wrong?
But I already know the answer, don’t I?
That what’s wrong here, is the idea that I have to be so Efficient that I drive myself frantic. That I can’t waste. All waste is bad, and to do things in ways less than the Most Efficient is Wasteful. If I am Wasteful then I am Bad, Worthless, Stupid.
Well — it appears that I worried myself to death, thinking this way. The worrier me is dying its slow death. RIP.
As for the rest of me, I’m going to live slowly, wastefully, and joyfully.