If you don’t know what depression feels like, you should listen to this early gem from Toad the Wet Sprocket.
This is what it feels like. All withdrawn, with lots of self-loathing.
It’s like a little kid who’s hiding in the corner, trying not to reveal a terrible shame or guilt.
Don’t come near me, s/he would say. I don’t want to see you.
What they’re saying is, they don’t want you to see them.
Because they can’t believe, they can’t possibly think that what they are is lovable or acceptable.
I fear nothing
Please don’t touch me
Love like an infant trying to stand up
I feel nothing
Beside this pain
Please don’t watch me
Love like an infant
Scared and Crawling
Am I two souls
One hard, one whole
Am I real
I don’t want to feel anything
That bit about being split into two is really true. It’s like a conversation inside my head. One healthy, whole mature half and the other insecure, inmature, and withdrawn half.
I’d like to say that the latter stays squarely hidden, or even better, is growing out.
But some days, that’s the boy in the driver seat. And he drives so slowly, because he’s afraid of causing a wreck, being already a wreck himself.
I just keep reminding myself, the voice of the grown half — there is a point to this, this will help you gain understanding and compassion for those who also have it.
I sure hope there is a point, a positive outcome. I sure hope so.
Otherwise I’d start asking, why go on?