I’m sure much has been said about this presentation by Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Ear, Pray, Love and Committed.  I had seen bits of the above talk, but yesterday I finally sat down to watch the whole thing.

What she’s talking about is Resistance and Muse, of course, if you read Steven Pressfield’s The War of Art.  And on that level, while she doesn’t dwell on the fear part too much — I think all artists can relate to what she’s talking about.

The fear of creating.

The pressure she feels from having already (and unexpectedly, it sounds like) achieved a great success, is the very same voice I hear from having achieved no such thing.

What the HELL are you doing?  Nobody’s listening to this shit.  It doesn’t matter at all.  You better spend your time doing something more useful.  You already wasted hours and days and years, and thousands of dollars.  Look where it got you!  You’re just another wannabe.  It’s time you grow up and face the reality.  This is just a hobby at best.  How long do you spend each day doing it?  Like 15 minutes?  Ha!  You’re kidding yourself if you think that’s gonna add up to something.  You make too many mistakes.  You’re constantly flat.  Your recordings suck.  You won’t be able to attract collaborators with real talents, because you have nothing to offer them.  I don’t understand why you even bother.

And it goes on and on.  Every f-ing day.

You know, I would have quit a long time ago, if I could.  It’s not like I didn’t try.  I think about it everyday.  Today I was listening to Cloud Cult’s magnum opus Light Chasers.  It’s so note-perfect, it makes me cry.  And it overwhelms me, because the amount of hours it’s taken Craig Minowa and Co. to amass the skills, wisdom, equipment, and expertise to pull something jaw-dropping like that, on an indie budget no less, is mind-blowing.  I’m already approaching 40 and I’m still crawling close to the start line.   I’ll be on my deathbed before I get to their level, even if I had the potential to reach there to begin with, just because I spent too long dilly-dallying, dancing with my Resistance, running away from creating.  It took me 11 years since graduating from college to release my first album, and it’s been 4 years since.

Boy, I better stop there, it’s heartbreaking.

The question is, why don’t I quit?

Because if I did, I know I won’t be able to live with myself.

I know I have Gifts, in fact I see Muse on a regular basis, too.  She shows me that I do have access to the antenna, the connection to the Source, to receive the transmission.  I’ve been listening to clips of ideas I’ve amassed over the years and it’s a very itchy experience, because I hear so much good stuff in there and I just get restless, thinking about how I must put those pieces of music together and let them out into the world.  They are too good to just rot in my head!

And that’s how Gifts become Burdens.  Once I receive them, then I have the responsibility to the Source, to translate and share what I’ve been given.

God wants me to make music, apparently I said to my mother in my early 20′s, she reminded me the other day.  Everyone I know, who knows that I make music, asks about it every time I see them.  They don’t ask me how my web development is going.  They ask me “so, how’s your music?”

What the hell are you talking about?  You self-righteous megalomanic.  What do you know about what GOD wants?

Shut up.  I played the guitar and made music today.  And I’m going to do it again tomorrow, too.

The bad news is, apparently achieving any sort of success isn’t going make that Voice of Resistance go away.  If Elizabeth still has it after her success, then I’m sure everyone else does, too.

But the good news is that all we’re asked to do is to show up.   For writers, write the first word.  For me, pick up the guitar.

Then, I will have done my part.  The rest is not my responsibility.

Just doing my tiny bit is enough Burden for this little soul.