In a true INFJ (Myers-Briggs personality type) fashion, I’ve been thinking about this.
Why do I exist?
I spent all my adult life trying to fix a problem: that my life would be a failure, if I didn’t work hard enough to fix it.
Think about that for a moment. So the default, the pre-determination existed. And I had to turn that around through grit, tenacity and determination.
No wonder I had a hard time relaxing.
But along the way I learned that we accumulate unprocessed feelings. And these feelings create stubborn worldviews that we have a hard time changing. You get triggered left and right and start believing that the world is a callous, uncaring place, for example. When all along it’s just your unprocessed emotions and experiences that were calling out for our attention.
It’s been a few years since I learned this. I learned to pay attention to how I’m feeling and cry. Little by little, I stopped being concerned. Less obsessed about fixing what I thought was broken.
Today I thought about what I will regret for not having done if I die in a year. I didn’t come up with a single must-dos. There are some things I’ll prioritize if I knew that was coming. (Releasing my album is high on the list, but I’m already working on it. It’ll be done in a few months.) But if I don’t get them all done, I’ll be able to make peace with that.
I’ve done enough work, apparently, to be content.
With that fear gone, I feel kind of unmotivated. I don’t need to fix what I no longer see as broken. But if that’s the case, what do I do with it?
I am not entirely sure. But I’m in no rush. I am where I can let something other than fear motivate me. Curiosity is a big one. I am curious about what it’s like to do something, just because I want to, not because I have to. That’s kinda new to me.
I am somewhat relieved to find, that putting music together still gets me going. I enjoy thinking about my songs and how they may be there for someone going through hard times.
So yeah, before I used to exist to fix problems. Now I just exist. I am working on an album and I am there for my kids when they need Dad.
Other than that, I am content and curious. Curious to see if I will find other reasons to exist. Fundamentally, I trust that if I’m still here, I am serving some kind of purpose, whether I am aware of it or not.
And that’s good enough for me.
(Below is a TED talk that sparked the above thought. It’s a very good one, though I’m not sure if my thoughts are very related to it)