AriKoinuma.com

I’ve been swimming regularly the last few weeks.  I love swimming.

I’ve gotten into a routine of swimming 1k each session.  25 laps.  And I noticed that somewhere in the middle of those laps, there are usually moments when I really feel bad. It’s that time where your muscles no longer have the fresh strength, but your body hasn’t quite gotten used to the exertion.

Now, during those times, if I look down at the deep end of the pool — I can’t help but experience a big of panic inside.

It’s so deep.  And I’m running out of breath.

Irrational? Yes.  I can swim, and I am swimming on the surface.  But yet, during those times, I can’t bear to look down — because the irrational little child in me wakes up, looks through my eyes, and start screaming.

All the sleeping, never waking
All the leaves in need of raking
All the business undertaking
All my bones and muscles aching

Thoughts and minds are surely flaking
Over luncheons hands are shaking
Surety of no mistaking
Cars and horns and glasses breaking

Give me a color, make it black or white
Give me a newspaper, tell me if it’s right
Give me a nail, give me a bat
Give me a skinny, give me a fat

Remembering the times I pray
To let me take my thoughts away
To think about another day
To help me deal with me

They say the enemy is within, and while I don’t disagree, I tend to think of it as my inner child that needs loving. Like when my daughter couldn’t do the monkey bars, even when she was big enough and had plenty of strength, because she was afraid of falling.

Sometimes you have to stop listening to that voice in your head. Sometimes you just have to hold her tight and still make the leap.  Remember, fear can make mundane, innocent objects look like terrifying creatures.

When that happens — and when that fear threatens to take over, making you run for cover or hold on to every thread that appears trustworthy — don’t change course, just keep going. Tell your child that it’s going to be OK.

Every time I swim, I panic and desire to quit in the middle.  But I swim straight through it.

You can, too.

Heavy metal and aggressive rock get bad rep for being violent, damaging, or hateful.  The epitome of such a claim is when people start accusing artists of inspiring listeners to commit suicide or other tragic actions.

I consider it my mission to dispel such a myth.

Heavy music is good for your soul.

Pent up emotions are great killer of humanity.  In the name of civilization, we expect everyone to smile and speak pleasantly all the time — even when there’s a storm raging inside.  While all our emotions are legitimate and need to be validated and expressed, some of the unacceptable feelings like anger and guilt get repressed and condemned, and can sit inside stewing and rotting for years.  It’s been well-documented that those kinds of things can eventually lead to real health problems.

I’m not saying that everybody should wear their hearts on their sleeves and express aggression carelessly.  In fact, I don’t think we should do that.  We do need to get along, after all.

But this is where music comes in.

Listening to heavy, aggressive music can be a therapeutic act.  Getting lost in these music is a great way to get in touch with these buried emotions and let them out.  Yes, exercise is good and perhaps you can really get into sports that have a bit of violence in them.  But music can touch on feelings in a much more direct and powerful way.  It’s been my experience that after diving deep into these “heavy” music and channeling my feelings, I come out feeling lighter, refreshed and rejuvenated.  Also, that deep emotional connection gives a sense of community — I hate to say misery loves company, but really, you feel like someone out there understands how you feel, when you find a song that you relate to.

When I’m down, I’m not looking for some cheap resolutions.  I don’t want someone to tell me “it’s gonna get better” without really understanding the depth of my hurt.  I just want my pain to be validated — for someone to tell me “it’s OK to feel the way you feel.”

Heavy and dark music is there for me during those times.  And I dream of making music that does the same to someone else.

Perhaps it’s not a place where you want to stay — and yes, I can see that for someone really unstable, there’s a danger that it may incite undesirable actions.  I hope that artists do show some sensitivity to that, and frame their message carefully when they travel to these dark realms.

But this much is true for me: heavy music is good for your soul.  It’ll be your friend in places where it’s too dark and too heavy for others to come in.

And I’m sure that I’m not the only one who thinks that way.

It always strikes me as a bit odd when I discuss our finances with my wife.

Because I always find myself going “if our spending this month is high (or low)….”

Wait a minute.  Why am I talking about the spending as if it’s something that happens to us?

Don’t I actually decide whether to spend money or not?

Sure, shxt happens sometimes.  Car breaks down, kids get sick…. money goes out.

But does it really?  Is life something that just happens to us?

Take the longest day
Waste it all away
I can’t stand it
But I can’t do anything
Everyday’s the same
Nothing ever change
I can’t stand it
But I can’t do anything

That funny feeling is what “Woodburning” is about, to me.  The frustration of realizing that I am not in control of myself.  And yes, I think it is very, very funny, because I am the only thing I actually have control over.  It’s everything else, that I can’t control.

Then why am I spending so much time trying to manipulate everything else?

Them, I really can’t do anything about.  Things happen to me.

But my life is more than just automatic reactions to things happening to me.

It has to be.  I really have to make it so.

Because I can’t stand the thought of leaving my life up to some thing happening to me.

No, I will not stand it.

I’d like to think it’s a positive thing when I say that I work hard.  But I’m afraid I fall into the camp for those who work too hard.

Like continuing to drive without refueling.  How effective is that?  It really doesn’t take long to reveal the true cost of your ultra-short-sighted decision, to keep working.

In some ways, I feel like we equate preparing for tomorrow as the wise move.  From retirement saving to insurance, it’s all about being prepared.  You work hard today, you sacrifice today, so you can have a better tomorrow….

Except that, tomorrow is not promised.

If you’re searching out for something -
Don’t try so hard
If you’re feeling kinda nothing -
Don’t try so hard
When your problems seem like mountains
You feel the need to find some answers
You can leave them for another day
Don’t try so hard

“Don’t Try So Hard” is one of many moments that just totally get me from Queen’s Innuendo, the final album completed before Freddie Mercury’s passing.  In the context of his pending departure, a message like this is all the more poignant and powerful.

Imagine a dying man telling you “You can leave them for another day.”  But he doesn’t have another day.

And therein lies the point — do you really want to keep working for tomorrow? Is it really a good day, when, after working for 14 hours that day, you know you’re going to get overtime pay in 2 weeks?

Obviously, the context is important here.  I’m not saying that’s always a bad decision.

But for me, I’ve worked long and hard thinking “this is gonna make my future better.”  I’d be more prepared, wealthier, freer…. except that I keep working and working, and that day never comes.

I’m working too hard.

“Don’t Try So Hard” gets to me, because I still haven’t learned the lesson completely, yet.  I’m always trying so, so hard, to prevent/solve problems for tomorrow.

Perhaps, for some of us — what we need to do is to leave them for another day.

Instead of working, living for a change.

I used to hate money.

It’s because it was so painful to make them.

I really resented how I needed it.  Making money was such a difficult, excruciating process that I longed to just get rid of the whole monetary system.

Did I mention that I’m a Star Trek fan?

Well, nowadays, I’m making my more peace with money.  It didn’t happen over night, there are still tensions in our relationship. We’re working our kinks out.

But you know what’s funny?  As I traded jobs (and I had many) to the ones I liked better, so did my pay.

Of course, I like jobs that pay well.  But I have turned down jobs that paid more, because I didn’t like what I had to do.  So it’s not entirely true that I like my job simply because it pays better, though that’s part of it.

The job I have now rocks.  I love it, and that’s saying something because I’ve been there like 6 months now.  Usually by now, I start getting bored or tired of it.  (The longest I lasted at a job was 2.5 years.  But it was way too long — I was fired at the end, because I was so unmotivated to work by then)

I still think that we can eventually exchange our currency and capitalism for a system that’s better.  But I can see how humanity’s not ready for that yet.

So I am making my peace with money.

I hope you can, too.

I was very happy when I recently discovered that Tweetdeck can post updates on four major social networking sites — Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and LinkedIn.

And they are exactly the top four sites in my world!  Finally, someone agrees with me.  ;-)

It is such a joy to have a tool that brings together these separate entities.  I am just thrilled.

Then I thought of how it serves as a metaphor for a larger theme.

A reconciling force.

Most of us belong to multiple communities, or have multi-faceted life.  Work and home, for example.  They are both big part of you, both very important, they require your TLC (tender loving care).

Do they intermingle, though?

Not always.  Seldom for me, personally. They are completely separate and segregated, and they rarely cross paths.

But I don’t know if I like that complete, unbridgeable separation.  Sure, I like healthy separation between work and home, not saying there shouldn’t be.

But I’d like for them to intersect once in a while, too.  I’d love for my wife to see me at work, for example.  I’d love to have her see how I interact with my colleagues, how I do good work that I feel proud of and my peers respect and rely on me.  And similarly, I’d love to show off my family to my colleagues, because I have a beautiful family that I just love dearly and feel immensely proud of.

Why not, right?

MySpaces and Facebooks in the world are separate, independent entities for a good reason.  They each have their personalities and strengths, their own set of innovations.  Innovation is very closely related to the act of staking a claim — reaching, conquering a piece of land still unclaimed and saying “this is mine!”

And that is an admirable act, to be encouraged and applauded.

But once the areas are claimed and major entities are established — and they engage in healthy (hopefully) competition in the process — I think there needs to be a force to reconcile their differences.  Bridge the gap.  Because they do leave gaps between them.

A force that allows these divergent entities to co-exist together.

So that each can be who they are, their differences are not nullified — but they don’t divide us, either.  We all get inter-connected.

And you can see parallels all over the place.  Unitarianism tries to reconcile major religions.  UN tries to reconcile the nations.  We have a system in place to exchange between different currencies, so we’re not stuck in one community.

And that’s great.  As Covey would put it, that’s moving from independence to interdependence. It’s a healthy and natural evolution.

A reconciling force.  I quite welcome it, because I need more of it.

Wouldn’t you?

A simple principle I’m trying to apply to my decision-making is “which way is going to feel better afterwards?”

In the other words, I’m tuning into my imagination to see whether I feel proud of the decision later.

Feelings are great indicators of my state of being.  If I’m tired, I’d be unmotivated or move attracted to easier choices.

But it’s often not the indicator of which way I should choose.  If the path of quick, instant gratification appeals, I have to seriously question that leaning.

Because I don’t often feel good about it later.

It’s better to feel good later than now — as long as you don’t do it to the extent of totally suffocating yourself.  I’m not saying you shouldn’t take a break or get a relief.

But delayed gratification is where it’s at.

Heart vs. Ego

I’m reading a book called The Deeper Secret by Annemarie Postma.  I’m not even half way yet, but it has made me think of some good things.

The issue on my mind right now is the idea of Ego Intention vs. Heart Intention.  Both are powerful and you can rely on it to drive your actions.

But she argues that in the end, they both reproduce itself.  Create out of ego and you get more ego.  The same goes for the heart.

The most illuminating part, to me, is the chart below:

Whoa! I don’t know about you but I can plainly see that my pursuit of music so far has been very heavily Ego-driven and it’s probably safe to say that most of music/artistic/business pursuits are driven by Ego.

(I should clarify that I am using her use of the word Ego here — I know Ego can mean something more healthy, like having a secure and well-developed sense of self.  So don’t get hung up on semantics)

And that’s one of the reasons why I haven’t been able to get 100% behind my own musical pursuit.  It’s selfish! I just couldn’t figure out how my being just another rock guitarist/artist would make the world a better place.  Of course, I have nobler philanthropic ambitions that are lined up after I were to achieve fame and fortune…;-)  but really, no.  I can’t go around saying “well, you guys ought to listen/buy my music, ‘coz it’s good and I’m a good guy….”

I’m not saying that being driven by Ego is doomed to failure.  But I am saying that I couldn’t get behind my own Ego, and I also can’t see that had I even gotten behind it, I wouldn’t have felt fulfilled by what I achieved.

What Do I Have to Offer?

Self, then, what is it that I can really get behind?

Well, a nobler cause.  I like ones that are so universal that it’s undisputable.  Like Doctors without Borders.  They respond to crisis by providing for medical needs, and won a Noble Peace Prize.  Must be a good, believable cause, right?

Then I thought of other things I feel energized about.  I get excited about people pursuing genuine artistic ambitions. Like musicians who sing because they can’t live without doing it, or filmmakers who make films because they just have the burning desire to tell their story.  When people are doing things because they cannot NOT do it.

But even that seems a bit too safe, like I’m really lying to myself.  It’s like I’m saying I don’t have anything good to offer so I’m just latching onto others who have better offerings.

No.

I do have something to offer.  Quite a few, actually.  I am a great problem-solver and consultant.  I am intuitive and I can cut through muck and identify the essence.  I am very creative and can think outside of box.  I am loyal and reliable, resourceful and quick-study.  I am happy to be in demand as a web developer — because even though there are many of us out there, apparently when people work with me they want to work with me again and again.  And it’s a line of work where much of what I list above are being used.  I like being useful.

But I am developing web sites because other people want me to and it makes me money.  It really doesn’t fulfill me in a more fundamental way.  I can think to volunteer as a web developer to some charitable causes that I can believe in, and I may do that, but even that feels like a cop-out.

I want to feel fulfilled in my life.  When I die, I want to look back to my life and feel proud — and as much as my web sites help other people and make money, they don’t make me proud in a deep way.

Then I thought about why I wanted to make music to begin with.

It’s because music was the friend that helped me get through my dark times.

It is the most moving, touching thing in the world to me, when I listen to music that express the feelings I am carrying inside.

Music is the best gift I’ve been given.  And that’s why, I dreamed of giving it.

Separating the Heart from the Rest

When I think of being given opportunities to create meaningful music, I feel overwhelmed, in a good way.  I’d feel incredibly grateful and honored.  If someone were to tell me my music helped them get through hard times, I’d be so overcome with joy that I’d probably kiss and hug the person and say something corny like “oh, THANK you for thanking me!”

I think I have something here.  I feel like I can trust this feeling.

So I was right to begin with — but I got distracted by all the ego-energy that fills the air.  It’s been very awkward for me to try to be in the music industry.  I haven’t made many friends, never fit the lifestyle/social circles and I have been unsuccessful in applying some of the successful techniques to my own pursuit.

But to worry about stuff like The Industry, now I see, is missing the point of my intention.  I’m not saying I will not make money from music, but that’s really not the point.

I want to offer the most meaningful thing that’s been given to me.  I want to give back.

But to give back, first I need to develop the ability to create the same caliber of gifts that I received.  Not because I need fame, not because I want to turn profit — but because I want to make an impact.  It has to be a genuine piece of art, or otherwise it can’t meet my true objective.

So that’s my starting point.

Then, I just have to think of a way, an approach, that’ll keep Ego out of the picture as much as possible.  Again, I’m not saying that Ego-driven pursuit is a mortal sin or recipe for failure — it’s just that when it enters the picture, I can’t get behind it.  It stops being fulfilling — and thus, it misses the very reason why I want to create it.

Making an Impact => My Fulfillment

That’s my focus, and I need to affix my eyes on it.

I have a lot more thinking to do, but I feel like I’m onto something.  At last.

Today is a day to celebrate.  We finally launched the film web site I’ve been working on for the last 6 month.

Ladies and gentlemen, drum roll please…. LostInSunshine.com!

It’s a brainchild of the writer/director Jentri Chancey and producer Lorie Marsh.  And kudos also go to the web designer Shad Chancey, who did the graphic design for the site.

I am very grateful to be involved in this project for many reasons.  I think what the filmmakers are trying to do with this web site is very forward-thinking — I mean, grassroots DIY thing has been done among bloggers, authors and musicians.  Filmmakers have done it, too — but most of the cases so far have been unintentional successes.  They didn’t set out to market and sell their films that way.  But with LIS, they are totally going at it on their own, with the intention to create an online community around the film by using net-based tools.

I learned a ton from this project myself — I would never been motivated enough to really sit down and master Drupal (content management system) if I didn’t have to, but now that I’m neck deep into it, I’m amazed by Drupal’s sheer power and flexibility.

Launching a web site is always a proud moment, but I’m particularly proud of this one.

All that being said — I was thinking tonight about how proud I feel of my latest web creation, but I also imagined how I’d feel if I was releasing a new CD, and if it was selling…..

I’d be way up on cloud nine then.

You see, I love making web sites, and I love the fact that I am in demand, my peers respect me and I get paid handsomely for it.  It’s hard not to like something you’re good at.

But it’s even better, if you become good at something you love.

That’s the ideal, that’s what we should all aspire to do.  You make yourself learn and grow, because you love it.

And that’s what I want to do.  I’m not yet as developed as a musician as I am a web developer.  But I still am more musician than web developer.

And that’s OK.  I’m making what I love grow, too.  It’s just taking a bit longer, because it’s bigger.

So, I still feel like a man who hasn’t quite “arrived” yet. My time, which always seems like it’s just around the corner, still remains in the future.  Though it always seems like it’s getting closer — I don’t know if it’s true, but it certainly gives me hopes.

Perhaps you are in the same boat as I am.  With a head full of (possibly) great ideas, a mind full of “Not Quite Sure What Good It’s For” talents, and a heart full of hope and yearning, we sit and wait for the wee little selves to mature.  I feel like I’m still tilling the ground — I have built some stuff, not sure if any of them are going to eventually add to my foundation on which I’m going to blossom.  Or perhaps I am already beginning to bloom.  I have many things I’m super excited about right now.  It’s often hard to assess exactly where you are.

Regardless, maturation is a process you can work hard on but can’t quite rush.  While we wait for our Remarkableness to arrive, there are a few things we can be doing to pass time productively, even if they aren’t exactly contributing to making the fruition come sooner.

1. Discover and engage your bliss.  What do you do on your day off?  When you don’t have any responsibilities?  What gives you energy?  I like to read about boutique guitar pedals.  My wife browse through educational supply catalogs.  (She’s an education geek and homeschools our children)  Bliss, I hear, is a gateway to your Remarkableness.  Plus, it’s pretty darn fun.
2. Confirm what you shouldn’t be doing. (It’s called Experimenting)  There are many things to do in life and many of them sound good, though most are not right for you.  For example, if you are a musician and reading up on the latest promotional tactics — if any of them sound good to you, make you wonder if you should be doing them — just dip your toe in and try it out.  But be completely open to being a quitter and getting out if it’s not fun or if it drains you somehow.  It’s good to confirm the things you shouldn’t be doing, so you have less things to wonder about.
3. Take detours.  If you have a hunch that your Remarkableness involves something having to do with being online, stay off of it and do something completely different.  Why?  Because, once your Remarkableness arrives, you’ll be doing it all the time.  You’ll be immersed in it.  Nothing wrong with that at all, just that after that happens, you may be short of time to do other things.  Enjoy a different life while you can — especially if you know that working hard isn’t going to speed up the arrival of Your Time.
4. Talk to people.  Ask them what they do and what they think about what they do.  Is that person Remarkable or if not, where in lies their potential to be Remarkable?  We learn a lot by talking and listening to other people.
5. Do nothing. Finally, you should do nothing.  NOTHING.  Being occupied doesn’t make you Remarkable — in fact, it can be quite detrimental.  If it feels like you’re working hard, then slow down until that feeling is gone.  Being Remarkable will feel like you’re playing, not working.  It’ll be so fun that you’ll do it even if you’re not getting paid or rewarded or recognized.

There, Ari, 5 things you can do while you’re waiting for your remarkableness.  Do you do any of them?

Well, I do some, though not all.  I’ve done #2 a lot, I’ve done some of #1 and #4, but I’ve been so stubborn to really engage in #3 and #5.  I guess I still haven’t completely unlearned the notion that hard work is the key to success.

I really need to play more.