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Heart vs. Ego

I’m reading a book called The Deeper Secret by Annemarie Postma.  I’m not even half way yet, but it has made me think of some good things.

The issue on my mind right now is the idea of Ego Intention vs. Heart Intention.  Both are powerful and you can rely on it to drive your actions.

But she argues that in the end, they both reproduce itself.  Create out of ego and you get more ego.  The same goes for the heart.

The most illuminating part, to me, is the chart below:

Whoa! I don’t know about you but I can plainly see that my pursuit of music so far has been very heavily Ego-driven and it’s probably safe to say that most of music/artistic/business pursuits are driven by Ego.

(I should clarify that I am using her use of the word Ego here — I know Ego can mean something more healthy, like having a secure and well-developed sense of self.  So don’t get hung up on semantics)

And that’s one of the reasons why I haven’t been able to get 100% behind my own musical pursuit.  It’s selfish! I just couldn’t figure out how my being just another rock guitarist/artist would make the world a better place.  Of course, I have nobler philanthropic ambitions that are lined up after I were to achieve fame and fortune…;-)  but really, no.  I can’t go around saying “well, you guys ought to listen/buy my music, ‘coz it’s good and I’m a good guy….”

I’m not saying that being driven by Ego is doomed to failure.  But I am saying that I couldn’t get behind my own Ego, and I also can’t see that had I even gotten behind it, I wouldn’t have felt fulfilled by what I achieved.

What Do I Have to Offer?

Self, then, what is it that I can really get behind?

Well, a nobler cause.  I like ones that are so universal that it’s undisputable.  Like Doctors without Borders.  They respond to crisis by providing for medical needs, and won a Noble Peace Prize.  Must be a good, believable cause, right?

Then I thought of other things I feel energized about.  I get excited about people pursuing genuine artistic ambitions. Like musicians who sing because they can’t live without doing it, or filmmakers who make films because they just have the burning desire to tell their story.  When people are doing things because they cannot NOT do it.

But even that seems a bit too safe, like I’m really lying to myself.  It’s like I’m saying I don’t have anything good to offer so I’m just latching onto others who have better offerings.

No.

I do have something to offer.  Quite a few, actually.  I am a great problem-solver and consultant.  I am intuitive and I can cut through muck and identify the essence.  I am very creative and can think outside of box.  I am loyal and reliable, resourceful and quick-study.  I am happy to be in demand as a web developer — because even though there are many of us out there, apparently when people work with me they want to work with me again and again.  And it’s a line of work where much of what I list above are being used.  I like being useful.

But I am developing web sites because other people want me to and it makes me money.  It really doesn’t fulfill me in a more fundamental way.  I can think to volunteer as a web developer to some charitable causes that I can believe in, and I may do that, but even that feels like a cop-out.

I want to feel fulfilled in my life.  When I die, I want to look back to my life and feel proud — and as much as my web sites help other people and make money, they don’t make me proud in a deep way.

Then I thought about why I wanted to make music to begin with.

It’s because music was the friend that helped me get through my dark times.

It is the most moving, touching thing in the world to me, when I listen to music that express the feelings I am carrying inside.

Music is the best gift I’ve been given.  And that’s why, I dreamed of giving it.

Separating the Heart from the Rest

When I think of being given opportunities to create meaningful music, I feel overwhelmed, in a good way.  I’d feel incredibly grateful and honored.  If someone were to tell me my music helped them get through hard times, I’d be so overcome with joy that I’d probably kiss and hug the person and say something corny like “oh, THANK you for thanking me!”

I think I have something here.  I feel like I can trust this feeling.

So I was right to begin with — but I got distracted by all the ego-energy that fills the air.  It’s been very awkward for me to try to be in the music industry.  I haven’t made many friends, never fit the lifestyle/social circles and I have been unsuccessful in applying some of the successful techniques to my own pursuit.

But to worry about stuff like The Industry, now I see, is missing the point of my intention.  I’m not saying I will not make money from music, but that’s really not the point.

I want to offer the most meaningful thing that’s been given to me.  I want to give back.

But to give back, first I need to develop the ability to create the same caliber of gifts that I received.  Not because I need fame, not because I want to turn profit — but because I want to make an impact.  It has to be a genuine piece of art, or otherwise it can’t meet my true objective.

So that’s my starting point.

Then, I just have to think of a way, an approach, that’ll keep Ego out of the picture as much as possible.  Again, I’m not saying that Ego-driven pursuit is a mortal sin or recipe for failure — it’s just that when it enters the picture, I can’t get behind it.  It stops being fulfilling — and thus, it misses the very reason why I want to create it.

Making an Impact => My Fulfillment

That’s my focus, and I need to affix my eyes on it.

I have a lot more thinking to do, but I feel like I’m onto something.  At last.

I often think of why it’s taken me so long to realize my dream.  I’ve been wanting to be a musician virtually all my adult life, yet I seem to be everything but.

Now, notice the last sentence: “I’ve been wanting to be a musician.”

What does that mean, to BE a musician.  Are you a musician when you have a degree in it?   When you publish a song or a composition?  When you earn money from performing music?  When you don’t have a day job?

Well, I know what my definition was, but now I see that there is a problem here.  I’ve been just focusing on a status, a certain condition I wanted to create.  Which takes the focus away from the very essence of what I’ve always wanted to do.

Why did I want what I wanted, to begin with?

It’s because music meant to much to me.  In my darkest times, music reached out and filled me.  It was an outlet, one faucet attached to the ever-growing tank of rotting muck.  Through its exorcism, I found strength to go on.

And because it gripped me so powerfully, I felt passionate about giving back.  To create music that would offer the same kind of healing catharsis. To create music that finally articulate all the hurt, insecurities, shame, guilt and despair we carry hidden deep inside.  To make music that really channel the depth and the complexity of our darkest emotions — an expression that’s thoroughly realistic and authentic, without a shred of caricaturing or over-simplifying.

That’s what I want to do.

See?  That vision has nothing, really nothing to do with being a musician.  I mean, I already am a musician.  I do not need to change or achieve anything in order for me to start doing the above.  Today, this very moment, I have what it takes to do what I want to do and give it everything I got.  There is now waiting, no need for approval permission.

Yet, for so many years, it was really not about music.  It was about status, about proving something.  I wanted to validate myself, make my desire to make music legitimate by turning it into a recognizable success.

And I’ve been wondering why I make so much more money as a web developer, and doors and opportunities open so easily for me in that avenue, with people clamoring, asking me to do that.  Well, the following lines from The Deeper Secret by Annemarie Postma really articulates what’s going on here:

You are given the things to which you do not attach your ego.  When you free yourself of neediness, then you are ready to receive.

My true vision has nothing to do with achieving anything.  It’s about creating to give.  Yes, it will be nice if it somehow turned into a situation where I don’t have to work other jobs, so I can devote more time to it.  But that’s really not the point.  And yes, it’ll be nice if I get recognized for the excellence in creating music.  But that’s really not the point, either.  The more I focus on the essence of my heart’s desire, the more I lose interest in these accessorial benefits.  And the more I feel amazed that I actually have everything I need to start living my dream today, this very moment.

For such a long, long time, I kept myself from doing it, thinking I needed to meet other conditions.

All I needed, all along, was simply to tear down the wall I had put up myself.

The wait is now over.  My time has arrived.