AriKoinuma.com

Tomorrow the second week of my self-employment/entrepreneurship starts, and I am excited. The weekend has been good, but I can’t wait to resume my work.

The other thing I can’t believe is that it’s only been 2 weeks since I decided that I was going to go for it. This last week was rough emotionally, but a lot of new ideas and directions are starting to emerge.

It’s like when you move from one city to another. Once you immerse yourself into the new environment, change is quick and permanent. You just can’t remember or relate to being the old environment very much.

I enjoyed my last employment, but Mondays has some routine work that I didn’t look forward to. Some Mondays I would spent all day postponing that work, until I absolutely had to do them. All my jobs contained at least some elements I didn’t like. And I used to accept them as “part of life.”

Well, I am my employer now, and my job description has little that I don’t like. I am doing some things that I plan to delegate as soon as I’m able to, but it’s all for something I strongly believe in, and this thing is going to build and stay, unlike employments where you can work your butt off yet you ultimately have no say in whether you can keep it or not.

If I succeed, I can keep this job which I enjoy. Life is now simpler.

“The ‘how’ comes after you get moving, rarely before. Not knowing how is one of the lamest excuses ever invented. Figure it out as you go.”– Steve Pavlina

This morning, I stepped into my “new” office, checked into Twitter and that was the first thing that popped into my eyes.

It’s  the latest in a number of time “signs” I’ve been seeing since deciding, merely a week ago, that I was going to pursue my own business instead of finding a new job.

And today, February 2nd, is the first day in my new office.

Last week was a very emotional one.  I constantly questioned myself, wondering if I am making a grave mistake.  But as I started telling the truth to everyone about my immediate future — that I was going to go and make music — I immediately noticed how everyone seemed excited for me.  When I would say that I was looking for a new job, people would wish me luck, and there’s a sense of sympathy or even pity.  But when I say that I’m going to make music, people visibly smiled and told me how fun that sounded.

It is fun.  I am beside myself excited, though still incredulous that I am actually allowed to do this without securing income or been given permission first.  Well, my wife did give me permission — I wouldn’t have done it without her support — but even that seems still hard to believe.  Not that I don’t trust my wife, but somehow I feel like there’s been a mistake or misunderstanding — people are not supposed to give permission to pursue something like this.

And therein lies the depth of my denial, my resistance to my own success.  I have gotten so used to suppressing and restraining my truth that somehow my own desire became illegal to me, something that cannot be allowed.   This reminds me of when I was little, and my parents put me into swimming lessons.  I used to catch cold often and was not a very physical kid, loving TV and books much more than playing outside.  So they thought exercise would do me good.  I hated going to swimming lessons.  I kicked and screamed and resisted every time.  Except, once in the water, I would actually enjoy it quite a bit.  To this day, swimming is one of my favorite physical activities, and my comptence with the act one of the things I really like about myself.  I am grateful that my parents dragged me to it every week, despite my own resistance.

That’s how I feel about my current situation.  God is pulling my hand, whispering reassuringly in my ears, telling me it’s going to be OK…. though I am not having any of it.  I’m kicking and screaming “No, I don’t believe you!  This can’t work!  This is too scary!”

Yet, here I am, in the 10×15 rehearsal space I rented for mere $250 a month, a room dedicated entirely to my passion and vision.

It’s possible that I am wrong.  It’s possible that I will fail.  It’s possible that in 2 months I’m going to get another job.  But if you ask me today, I can tell you that in my heart, I believe none of those things will happen.  I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future.  But I also know that my future is in my hands.

In my vision, I sense that within 2 months, I’ll figure out a direction.  I’ll know what I need to do to make myself a viable business, one that combines everything I love to offer unique and great value to the world.  I don’t think there will be a lot of struggle or hardship, except the one that involves battling my fears.  I don’t think the reality will be as fearful or hurtful as I fear they will be.  And I also sense that in some unforeseeable ways, my family’s needs will be met, and that I will buy myself the time it takes to establish my own business.

How will this all unfold?  I don’t have the faintest clue.

Here at AriKoinuma.com, I will chronicle my journey’s most introspective, personal and spiritual aspects.  On NetPreneur’s Journal, I will jot down my learnings as a budding online entrepreneur.  On Our Best Version, I will periodically post updates on personal growth I go through as the result of this endeavor.  And if you’re curious/interested in my offerings, keep an eye on SelfSufficientMusician.com and SmartRockRecords.com.

2 months.  Will you hold my hand, and take this walk with me?  And if I start faltering, please help me keep going.  I can use all the company I can get.