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Tonight I was watching a Star Trek Deep Space Nine episode with my wife.  In this particular episode, the main character, Captain Sisko, receives a vision from this alien-spiritual entities and makes some seemingly crazy decisions, ones that go against his role as a military officer and a father.

It was a ultra-dramatic episode and my wife and I chuckled at how overblown it felt to us, but I also have to admit, I was distinctly uncomfortable watching the episode.

Then I realized that this notion of following “a vision” is rather similar to some of the things I’ve done.

I’m an intuitive and spiritual person and very much believe in the notions like faith and vision, and I’ve made some big decisions based on them.  But the really uncomfortable thing about such notions is that it’s awfully hard to explain to others, at least in our current “science” based climate, why you’re doing it.  Compared to more logical, concrete reasons, they seem so frail and possibly delusional.  Think about it.  When someone says s/he is doing something because “God told me so” — especially if it’s something that seems completely against common sense — wouldn’t you have a hard time buying into that?  I certainly would.

Yet, that’s what I did earlier this year and my wife supported me on my decision, and as a result, we turned thousands of dollars of savings into a debt of about the same size.  And what do I have to show for it, so far?  Not nothing, but pretty little.  Well, actually there were many good things that came out of that decision, but it also seems like I could have produced the same results without spending that much money, too.

It all comes down to results, it seems.  If your crazy leap of faith results in some tangible outcome, then you can claim the title of a Visionary.  But if you don’t, then you’re a Lunatic, a naïve romantic who should learn the lesson and grow up.

Money isn’t everything in life, and really, the journey since then has brought me to a rather good place.  But I am still stuck with this sense that what I came here to do, I haven’t accomplished yet.  I think I know what my mission is, but I can’t be even certain of that.  And I keep making decisions trying to put me in a place where I can do it (now I realize that the whole notion of first having to “put me in a place where I can do it” may have been the problem, but that’s beside the point) but since I haven’t produced the result, I feel like a complete lunatic.  And I hear a whisper in my head going “what the hell are you doing, Ari?  Grow up.  Stop dreaming.”  Perhaps my mission is to live to see a day when I no longer hear that whisper of doubt.

Interestingly, it is the last night of 2009.  Another year has gone by.  I produced some results, I hope they are getting me closer to accomplishing My Mission…. but I can’t tell yet.  But one thing is for sure:

I have less time than I did a year ago.

Whatever it is that I need to do, it’s urgent.  I will have to wonder about whether I’m a Visionary or a Lunatic, later.