I spent the last two months of the year sidelined by a mental health episode. Not like a super serious one, I remained functional at day job and such. But during the off hours I could not do anything “positive” – from playing the guitar to being social.
I knew that such a phase was what I needed in my on-going personal growth. So I just sat and did my best to feel everything I was feeling.
At times it felt like my inner children were lining up to have their turns and their say because I was finally listening to them. And they had much to say. Things they wished they received, or didn’t receive. As I acknowledged each feeling, I slowly started feeling lighter.
When unfinished businesses you’ve been carrying around are resolved, it can feel very disorienting before it starts feeling better. I spent some time going “who am I? And what do I want in life?” It was confusing. I seemed to lose interest in everything for a while. Posting on social media and making music weren’t exceptions. For a while I wondered if I’d be happier without either things.
But as my mood lifted so did my desire to share. Most people enjoy sharing what they are excited about. As I regained my ability to get excited, so did my desire to create and share. There were some hidden agendas of the inner children that got let go but I am relieved to say, I just plain enjoy making stuff up and sharing. And this time, I care a bit less if there’s anyone on the receiving end. The act of creating and sharing is the part that I enjoy.
So I am back to making music, and I will post on SNS when I have a thought that I’d like to share. I do hope to resume YouTubing at some point as well. I miss sharing my thoughts and sparking conversations.
I’m just trying to keep what I enjoy and less of things I thought I had to do for ulterior objectives.
Because life feels better when you fill it with activities of high intrinsic values. All of us do some unenjoyable things to serve greater goals, but when you do too much of it your life feels like a grind. Life is what happens when you’re on the way. The path you choose to take ideally offers worthwhile experiences.
Destinations are simply points on the map to move toward, so you don’t feel aimless (though aimless wandering also has its values). It’s better to think of them as excuses to get on the path, than getting fixated on the destination and choosing paths that supposedly will get you there as fast as possible.
I changed a lot, again, in 2021. I am excited and grateful to be alive in 2022. Let’s see what the paths will reveal this year.